I was going to write this in my “random one liners” document and then realized that it’s the honest truth. I feel devoid of emotion. I feel like I’m going through the motions of what it is like to feel. But there is nothing. I should love Alyssa. She knows me and takes me for what I am, and I think she’s amazing – but there is nothing. I feel nothing. I pretend that I do – it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told. Sometimes I think she can’t tell that I’m full of shit, which is nice. I still have something to hide. I can still be my own person because I have something of my own. Is this something I will need from now on? I will have to wait it out I suppose. Maybe one day I will be able to let it all go and actually give my entire self to a person. I like to tell myself that I did that with Claire, but I know it isn’t true. There was a lot I never told her because I was scared to tell her. Not because I didn’t think she’d accept me, but because I figured she wouldn’t care and would think the conversation was a waste of time. It is odd to be without her I think. I often find myself wondering what she would think of my life right now. I wonder if she would be helpful. All the shit that has been going on. I can’t imagine what she’d say about my mother. I don’t even know what I’d say about my mother. I just remember the last time I really told Claire anything important she just kept herself uninvolved. That makes me nostalgic to think about. My life is undergoing so many changes and she isn’t here for any of them. Sometimes – like right now, I think I should send her an e-mail just to say hey. But I can’t do that. It would probably end up killing me. I should probably call Katie and get her to talk me out of it. It’s very strange to lose your best friend. That’s the thing. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. I mean, I love her – but it’s in the she was my best friend way now.  I think I like to pretend that I'm still in love with her because it's a feeling that was once so deep that I should be able to feel it again.  I want to feel something – something other than scared and completely alone and like a toy and I don’t know. I just want to feel something. I’ve been feeling really scared recently. Walking alone ever scares me. I don’t know what to do. I was walking up to my car and a person was walking towards me and I felt like I was going to cry. I fear that if someone tries to rape me again I’ll just let it happen because I’m so tired of fighting back. Right now, I’m not fighting anything other than my own fears. What will I do when I have to fight something real? I’m tired of living a life of fear. I want to feel safe again. I miss the careless world in which I once lived. I miss my naive reality where nothing went wrong.