I was going to write this in my “random one liners” document and then realized that it’s the honest truth. I feel devoid of emotion. I feel like I’m going through the motions of what it is like to feel. But there is nothing. I should love Alyssa. She knows me and takes me for what I am, and I think she’s amazing – but there is nothing. I feel nothing. I pretend that I do – it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told. Sometimes I think she can’t tell that I’m full of shit, which is nice. I still have something to hide. I can still be my own person because I have something of my own. Is this something I will need from now on? I will have to wait it out I suppose. Maybe one day I will be able to let it all go and actually give my entire self to a person. I like to tell myself that I did that with Claire, but I know it isn’t true. There was a lot I never told her because I was scared to tell her. Not because I didn’t think she’d accept me, but because I figured she wouldn’t care and would think the conversation was a waste of time. It is odd to be without her I think. I often find myself wondering what she would think of my life right now. I wonder if she would be helpful. All the shit that has been going on. I can’t imagine what she’d say about my mother. I don’t even know what I’d say about my mother. I just remember the last time I really told Claire anything important she just kept herself uninvolved. That makes me nostalgic to think about. My life is undergoing so many changes and she isn’t here for any of them. Sometimes – like right now, I think I should send her an e-mail just to say hey. But I can’t do that. It would probably end up killing me. I should probably call Katie and get her to talk me out of it. It’s very strange to lose your best friend. That’s the thing. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. I mean, I love her – but it’s in the she was my best friend way now.  I think I like to pretend that I'm still in love with her because it's a feeling that was once so deep that I should be able to feel it again.  I want to feel something – something other than scared and completely alone and like a toy and I don’t know. I just want to feel something. I’ve been feeling really scared recently. Walking alone ever scares me. I don’t know what to do. I was walking up to my car and a person was walking towards me and I felt like I was going to cry. I fear that if someone tries to rape me again I’ll just let it happen because I’m so tired of fighting back. Right now, I’m not fighting anything other than my own fears. What will I do when I have to fight something real? I’m tired of living a life of fear. I want to feel safe again. I miss the careless world in which I once lived. I miss my naive reality where nothing went wrong.

Might be a good time to free write because I am typing so fast without thinking. I am very lonely. I wonder if susan likes me. I hope she does. I think that it could be a really oddly dysfunctional relationship. And I’m really lonely. I am longing for someone else’s touch so badly that I don’t even know what to do with myself. I feel like an empty log. I don’t know why I said log but I did. I feel like this dense thing that is completely empty and could float down a river. I think that it is a bad feeling. I mean, I guess I need to feel like this at some point.. more the more I feel it the more insecure I get. I used to be so confident with women. I used to be wanted. I miss Claire.. but I don’t. I kind of hate her in a way. She’s such a fuck head. I mean really. We had an amazing relationship that was so fucked up.. who wouldn’t want that? I mean really. What the fuck. She was and is so fucking perfect. Her jaw bone was amazing. I think that I could just sit and look at it and try to draw it and trace it for hours on end. It was perfect. I wish I could have a replica just to touch. I miss those two little moles beneath her lip. I miss knowing someone the way I knew her. I miss having someone know me the way she did. I miss her. I miss my friend. And I’m so angry. So very very angry. That could be because I had a dream about her last night and it made me mad that she didn’t want to talk to me on the phone in the dream. I talked to her mom. I wish I knew why she wouldn’t talk to me. I would ask her but I know she wants to be left alone. I don’t know if it means that she hates me or if she’s in love with me or some other fucked up thing that I am just too ‘immature” to understand. I just don’t get it. I think she needs to grow the fuck up and make up her mind about our relationship instead of changing her mind ever 5 fucking seconds. Stupid bitch. Sometimes I get so mad at her for existing… and then I remember how much she changed and helped me and made me the person that I am today.

I wish I could feel someone near me. Instead of being so alone. I miss the feeling of touch. I way skin feels to mine. And they way someone’s hand feels different from her face.. and her face from her arm – and her arm from her breasts and stomach and thighs and vagina. I miss all those different skins. I cool smooth feeling of a face in the winter air. I feeling of warm skin on arms that clings tightly to the muscle below it. The fleshy smoothness that moves into a dry nipple of breasts. The light layer of fat over abdominal muscles. The prickly hairs that stick out of a thigh because they grow in an odd way and are impossible to shave off without getting razor burn.. and how they get cooler towards the knees.. but her body squirms as you move higher on her leg – towards the vagina. The warm, smooth, wet, vagina. The lips are soft and wrinkled and move with your fingers and your tongue. Then breaking through to the hood – a smooth slippery feeling to the tongue, as your fingers slide inside of her. The cool air surrounding your fingers vanishes as they enter the hot, wet opening. The inside is smooth for the first few centimeters as your fingers slowly penetrate her. As they move up, you can feel how the walls change. They become textured. Bumpy or lined. Sometimes, the tight space that had been putting pressure against your fingers fills up.. and it is like being in a room. I can imagine the room. Pink.. and spacious. Comfortably warm. Then – as she starts to tremble, the room collapses. The pressure returns and there’s nothing left in that room but the tranquil darkness that surrounds your fingers. And as I write this I do not feel like I need or want to have sex. I don’t want to have an orgasm right now. I just want to feel another person’s body next to mine. But more than that I want to feel the emotions. I want to feel the excitement of falling in love. I want to feel the fear of having to grow up. Find someone that I might be able to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to start that life now.. but I want to find someone who may lead me to that place. I want to find someone that I can love. I am scared sometimes that I never will. I mean I’ve been in love before.. and while I’d like to believe in one true love I know that it is not a real concept because I have been in love – not with many… but definitely with more than one. I wish I could find someone that was a combination of all the people I’ve loved. That would be great. But then again.. I think all of those people hate each other.. so I'd just end up with a self loathing bitch.. which would blow. But anyways. I want to find someone. I want to meet someone completely random and have a good story to tell people.. something better than “we flirted on facebook”.. because that’ dumb. I want to find someone who I start dating for a reason other than the fact that we just randomly started hooking up. I don’t know that I have one of those in a very long time. I think that it would be a really cool thing.. I want to have those first date fears.. I want to have the ability to show up to a second date with a uhaul and make her laugh at how huge of a dork I am. I want to sweep someone off her feet. I want to catch her as she falls. I want to find someone to be this she. I want to find someone that I can be me with.. someone that I’m not afraid to open up to. I need to find it. And the more I look, the harder it gets. And I know that once I stop looking, I’ll find it. It’s just a matter of letting go. I’m scared that I’ll never find someone who just gets me the way Claire did. That’s what I really miss. I don’t miss our relationship. I miss our friendship. I miss being able to just go to someone say one thing – or nothing for that matter – and know that she just gets it. I need something to love. I need something to crave. I need something. I just need.

so the girl that i'm dating on facebook is starting to get all clingy and shit.  and i don't know what to do.  we are not in a real relationship... and she's creeping me the fuck out.  i'm sitting in starbucks, and she just walked in and started talking at me from the line... and my legs started to tingle because they wanted to run away so badly.

she just came over to me so i had to interrupt my little ditty.  but yes.  she's a very nice girl.  but i do not want to be in a relationship with her.  at all.  she wears running shoes with jeans.  total deal breaker.  and i met a nice jewish girl who doesn't like the red sox.  but she's very similar to me.. and i don't know if i could put up with me for more than ten minutes.  so we'll see how that goes.  i am super sad that i can't go to troythis weekend.  i was going to go tomorrow.. but i have a stat lab that i was going to do today.. but i have a lady doctor appt. so i can't.. i have to do it tomorrow. and i also forgot that i had asked my roommate on a date.  she and i are going to a pasta dinner together.  and it's going to be amazing.

my sister e-mailed me yesterday which was nice.  i usually just ask my parents what's going on with her.. but now it's like we have a real relationship which is awesome.

my aunt's life is making me very stressed.  i went over to their house for dinner and it was the most stressful dinner of my life.  ever.  and i hope i never have to endure that ever again.  because i might flip.  i had to get up and leave the table.  it was so awkward.  they were like.. passive aggressively arguing with eachother in front of my counsins and me.  which is not only awkward, it's very inappropriate.

and i just remembered that i have to go do some sailing club stuff.. so maybe i'll write again in a month.

.. minus the faithless aspect.. because that just doesn't happen to me.


slash i'm totally thinking about going to albany tonight.

you should listen to the song "darkness" by third eye blind.  it is soooo fitting right now.

i have been doing really well.  and now i'm back to where i started.  even though i know that there were horrible aweful times and she's done things to intentionally try and make me hate her, i can't help but miss her.  i miss her smile.  and i miss her stupid nerd voice.  and at the same time i'm completely indifferent to the entire thing because i don't care about her.  i don't know what's going on.  it's confusing.  i feel like i'm two different people living in one body.  there's a me that can't get over her and would forgive her for everything.  and then there's the me that just doesn't care.  normally it's the later of the two that i know best.  but recently i've been missing her companionship.  i am a completely different person now than i was when i was dating her.  actually.  no.  that's a lie.  i'm the same.  she's incredibly different and it makes her really foreign and boring and unimportant and causes me to just not care.  i made the stupid mistake of looking at her facebook profile a few minutes ago and she changed her picture.  she's stunning.  and looks like her mother more and more.  i just hope she isn't turning into her mother.  but i also don't care.  and while part of me is completely consumed with emotions, the other part of me is completely numb to everything.  i tell myself that i am stressed.. but i don't even know if that is true.  i don't know what i feel.  i just know that i am confused and don't understand what my problem is.  

sometimes when i look into a mirror i have no idea what i'm looking at.  i know that it is human.  and i know that it is my body.  but it is as though the internal me is completely vacant.  i'm scared that it's going to be like that again.  i don't want it to be.  it makes me feel selfish.  i have a family, friends, and a life that i love - one that i can imagine some would be envious of.  but at the same time i can't help but feel completely empty of everything.  i want to scream out and cry and set everything free.  but i'm trapped within myself because i can't even find something to cry or scream about because the indifference to everything is much more prevalant than my emotions are.  i feel like Bartleby has taken over my body and left me to look on from the outside.

i need to get away.  but i don't know where to go because i don't know what i want to get away from. i feel like everything in my life has imploded all at once and now i am void of everything but chaos.

i made a blog.  and it's just for you.