.. minus the faithless aspect.. because that just doesn't happen to me.


slash i'm totally thinking about going to albany tonight.

you should listen to the song "darkness" by third eye blind.  it is soooo fitting right now.

i have been doing really well.  and now i'm back to where i started.  even though i know that there were horrible aweful times and she's done things to intentionally try and make me hate her, i can't help but miss her.  i miss her smile.  and i miss her stupid nerd voice.  and at the same time i'm completely indifferent to the entire thing because i don't care about her.  i don't know what's going on.  it's confusing.  i feel like i'm two different people living in one body.  there's a me that can't get over her and would forgive her for everything.  and then there's the me that just doesn't care.  normally it's the later of the two that i know best.  but recently i've been missing her companionship.  i am a completely different person now than i was when i was dating her.  actually.  no.  that's a lie.  i'm the same.  she's incredibly different and it makes her really foreign and boring and unimportant and causes me to just not care.  i made the stupid mistake of looking at her facebook profile a few minutes ago and she changed her picture.  she's stunning.  and looks like her mother more and more.  i just hope she isn't turning into her mother.  but i also don't care.  and while part of me is completely consumed with emotions, the other part of me is completely numb to everything.  i tell myself that i am stressed.. but i don't even know if that is true.  i don't know what i feel.  i just know that i am confused and don't understand what my problem is.  

sometimes when i look into a mirror i have no idea what i'm looking at.  i know that it is human.  and i know that it is my body.  but it is as though the internal me is completely vacant.  i'm scared that it's going to be like that again.  i don't want it to be.  it makes me feel selfish.  i have a family, friends, and a life that i love - one that i can imagine some would be envious of.  but at the same time i can't help but feel completely empty of everything.  i want to scream out and cry and set everything free.  but i'm trapped within myself because i can't even find something to cry or scream about because the indifference to everything is much more prevalant than my emotions are.  i feel like Bartleby has taken over my body and left me to look on from the outside.

i need to get away.  but i don't know where to go because i don't know what i want to get away from. i feel like everything in my life has imploded all at once and now i am void of everything but chaos.