i have been doing really well.  and now i'm back to where i started.  even though i know that there were horrible aweful times and she's done things to intentionally try and make me hate her, i can't help but miss her.  i miss her smile.  and i miss her stupid nerd voice.  and at the same time i'm completely indifferent to the entire thing because i don't care about her.  i don't know what's going on.  it's confusing.  i feel like i'm two different people living in one body.  there's a me that can't get over her and would forgive her for everything.  and then there's the me that just doesn't care.  normally it's the later of the two that i know best.  but recently i've been missing her companionship.  i am a completely different person now than i was when i was dating her.  actually.  no.  that's a lie.  i'm the same.  she's incredibly different and it makes her really foreign and boring and unimportant and causes me to just not care.  i made the stupid mistake of looking at her facebook profile a few minutes ago and she changed her picture.  she's stunning.  and looks like her mother more and more.  i just hope she isn't turning into her mother.  but i also don't care.  and while part of me is completely consumed with emotions, the other part of me is completely numb to everything.  i tell myself that i am stressed.. but i don't even know if that is true.  i don't know what i feel.  i just know that i am confused and don't understand what my problem is.  

sometimes when i look into a mirror i have no idea what i'm looking at.  i know that it is human.  and i know that it is my body.  but it is as though the internal me is completely vacant.  i'm scared that it's going to be like that again.  i don't want it to be.  it makes me feel selfish.  i have a family, friends, and a life that i love - one that i can imagine some would be envious of.  but at the same time i can't help but feel completely empty of everything.  i want to scream out and cry and set everything free.  but i'm trapped within myself because i can't even find something to cry or scream about because the indifference to everything is much more prevalant than my emotions are.  i feel like Bartleby has taken over my body and left me to look on from the outside.

i need to get away.  but i don't know where to go because i don't know what i want to get away from. i feel like everything in my life has imploded all at once and now i am void of everything but chaos.