Might be a good time to free write because I am typing so fast without thinking. I am very lonely. I wonder if susan likes me. I hope she does. I think that it could be a really oddly dysfunctional relationship. And I’m really lonely. I am longing for someone else’s touch so badly that I don’t even know what to do with myself. I feel like an empty log. I don’t know why I said log but I did. I feel like this dense thing that is completely empty and could float down a river. I think that it is a bad feeling. I mean, I guess I need to feel like this at some point.. more the more I feel it the more insecure I get. I used to be so confident with women. I used to be wanted. I miss Claire.. but I don’t. I kind of hate her in a way. She’s such a fuck head. I mean really. We had an amazing relationship that was so fucked up.. who wouldn’t want that? I mean really. What the fuck. She was and is so fucking perfect. Her jaw bone was amazing. I think that I could just sit and look at it and try to draw it and trace it for hours on end. It was perfect. I wish I could have a replica just to touch. I miss those two little moles beneath her lip. I miss knowing someone the way I knew her. I miss having someone know me the way she did. I miss her. I miss my friend. And I’m so angry. So very very angry. That could be because I had a dream about her last night and it made me mad that she didn’t want to talk to me on the phone in the dream. I talked to her mom. I wish I knew why she wouldn’t talk to me. I would ask her but I know she wants to be left alone. I don’t know if it means that she hates me or if she’s in love with me or some other fucked up thing that I am just too ‘immature” to understand. I just don’t get it. I think she needs to grow the fuck up and make up her mind about our relationship instead of changing her mind ever 5 fucking seconds. Stupid bitch. Sometimes I get so mad at her for existing… and then I remember how much she changed and helped me and made me the person that I am today.

I wish I could feel someone near me. Instead of being so alone. I miss the feeling of touch. I way skin feels to mine. And they way someone’s hand feels different from her face.. and her face from her arm – and her arm from her breasts and stomach and thighs and vagina. I miss all those different skins. I cool smooth feeling of a face in the winter air. I feeling of warm skin on arms that clings tightly to the muscle below it. The fleshy smoothness that moves into a dry nipple of breasts. The light layer of fat over abdominal muscles. The prickly hairs that stick out of a thigh because they grow in an odd way and are impossible to shave off without getting razor burn.. and how they get cooler towards the knees.. but her body squirms as you move higher on her leg – towards the vagina. The warm, smooth, wet, vagina. The lips are soft and wrinkled and move with your fingers and your tongue. Then breaking through to the hood – a smooth slippery feeling to the tongue, as your fingers slide inside of her. The cool air surrounding your fingers vanishes as they enter the hot, wet opening. The inside is smooth for the first few centimeters as your fingers slowly penetrate her. As they move up, you can feel how the walls change. They become textured. Bumpy or lined. Sometimes, the tight space that had been putting pressure against your fingers fills up.. and it is like being in a room. I can imagine the room. Pink.. and spacious. Comfortably warm. Then – as she starts to tremble, the room collapses. The pressure returns and there’s nothing left in that room but the tranquil darkness that surrounds your fingers. And as I write this I do not feel like I need or want to have sex. I don’t want to have an orgasm right now. I just want to feel another person’s body next to mine. But more than that I want to feel the emotions. I want to feel the excitement of falling in love. I want to feel the fear of having to grow up. Find someone that I might be able to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to start that life now.. but I want to find someone who may lead me to that place. I want to find someone that I can love. I am scared sometimes that I never will. I mean I’ve been in love before.. and while I’d like to believe in one true love I know that it is not a real concept because I have been in love – not with many… but definitely with more than one. I wish I could find someone that was a combination of all the people I’ve loved. That would be great. But then again.. I think all of those people hate each other.. so I'd just end up with a self loathing bitch.. which would blow. But anyways. I want to find someone. I want to meet someone completely random and have a good story to tell people.. something better than “we flirted on facebook”.. because that’ dumb. I want to find someone who I start dating for a reason other than the fact that we just randomly started hooking up. I don’t know that I have one of those in a very long time. I think that it would be a really cool thing.. I want to have those first date fears.. I want to have the ability to show up to a second date with a uhaul and make her laugh at how huge of a dork I am. I want to sweep someone off her feet. I want to catch her as she falls. I want to find someone to be this she. I want to find someone that I can be me with.. someone that I’m not afraid to open up to. I need to find it. And the more I look, the harder it gets. And I know that once I stop looking, I’ll find it. It’s just a matter of letting go. I’m scared that I’ll never find someone who just gets me the way Claire did. That’s what I really miss. I don’t miss our relationship. I miss our friendship. I miss being able to just go to someone say one thing – or nothing for that matter – and know that she just gets it. I need something to love. I need something to crave. I need something. I just need.